I just ate a brownie.

And after doing so what was the first thing that popped into my head? "Argh, I've been a seriously #twitloss slacker. I need to write something. I totally have something!"

So, here I am.

The last few weeks I have bounced up and down, gaining 5 lbs, losing 5lbs .... really I'm hovering about where I was the last time I posted. And really I have no good reason for it. I sit and think about it and I know that in 6 months I will be sitting in almost the same place, once again thinking about it and wondering why I didn't get my act together the last time.  The only difference is that I would have wasted another 6 months of my life

le sigh.

I could come up with an entire list of excuses ranging from school to family problems, but they are all just excuses. I talk like I am putting myself first but really... I'm still laying the guilt trip on and beating myself over the head with sabotage because I seem to think I deserve it.

So, how do I changed it? I actually brought this up with the therapist I am seeing (along with the husband).... and she asked the hard questions. Why? Because I'm scared. What if I get to goal and I'm still not satisfied. What if I put in the effort and I'm still unhappy. Where do I go then?  The unknown and the fear of putting in the work and still failing scares me to death. Besides that I still think I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to love myself.

*frown*

I was hoping for an easy answer from her. Something that would click and my world would be better. All she had for me were questions....  What would it feel like to succeed? If I get there and am still unhappy, then what? How am I worse off than I am now? The truth is, I can't be worse off can I? I may be unhappy still but that is no different than now... I'd just be a healthier unhappy.

So. That is my internal challenge to myself. I want to know what it feels like to succeed.