Life is Hard....Food is Easy

You may or may not know that I have been dealing with a lot lately. For those of you who do not, here it is. On 10/31/11 My baby brother (he was 30) was killed in a car accident. We all have been getting through this the best we can, but for me it was a little harder. I wrote on my personal blog about it a couple of days ago. Since this is what I am dealing with right now, I am just going to put the same post here.

Emotional eating is something that a lot of people on a weight loss journey go through. Whether you are dealing with a loss of a loved one, stress at home or on the job, there is always a choice on how you deal with it. No matter how long you have been in an emotional eating cycle, you can always pull yourself out.

As hard as a weight loss journey is, sometimes you don't prepare yourself for the harder things. For me I expected things to get in the way, to have bumps along the road, to go off course from time to time. What I didn't expect is how I would handle something big, something that I didn't have control over. My brother's sudden death knocked me out, put me flat on my face, and into a almost 3 week secret eating binge.

Life is hard. Sometimes it's so full of B.S. , I can hardly think, let alone stop the things that I do to myself. And let me tell you, me & my family losing my brother is over the top B.S. ! This is where food is easy.

I call it grief eating.

In order to deal with this horrible pain, I've been eating it away. Shoving it so far down inside with all kinds of unhealthy things; I really haven't had time to feel.

When people ask me how I am doing. I say, I'm ok. You see, I can't really "break" down. Well that's not true, I did have one, the day I got the call (thank you Shannan for being there). Since then, there have been none. I have always felt that since I am the oldest, I am the one who has to be strong for everyone else. There has to be at least one person who has it all together and be on their toes for what ever some one may need. Again this is an example of how food is easy. Eating gives you comfort. It never fails, it's there anytime I need it. I don't need anyone to be there for me, I have food.

On Sunday, I recognized what I was doing. I was just sitting on my bed, thinking about my brother, and I had 4 cookies in my hand. Cookies that I had baked, "for the kids". Then I began to feel ill, because I remembered the night before I ate an entire large cheese steak and order of fries.

At that moment, I knew I had to make a choice. I knew I had to reach out to someone. Someone who could relate, another weight loss journey friend. Hoping that they would have some advice on how to get back to where I needed to be.

Tara & Meegan, where right there with a response in a couple of minutes. What they had to say gave me hope and some peace. I was given permission (not that I need it, but I did) to grieve without food. I need to go back to the basics. Start from the beginning. Start logging my food, so I would conscientiously have to decide what to eat. And more importantly, permission to be kind to myself and to my heart.

I have to cope with my feelings and not eat them.

I am mad, and so profoundly sad that I will have to go through the rest of my life with out seeing this beautiful smile in person.

Yesterday, was a new day.
I let myself feel.
I didn't eat excessively.
I logged my food.
I cried a lot.
Today I stepped on the scale.

Life goes on, whether we are actively participating in it or not.
I choose to participate.

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa